My First EI (Barry)

My First EI

A personal account by Barry

When I first saw an ad for an Enlightenment Intensive [1991], I was pretty sceptical. "An opportunity" it said, "to experience the change in state of consciousness traditionally known as enlightenment"—in just three days! There had to be a catch. I thought it was supposed to take years, even decades, to reach such a state.

I gathered that the format was like a cross between a zen meditation retreat and an intensive therapy group, combining non-stop contemplation with one-to-one communication exercises. Participants spend the entire three days contemplating a question like "Who am I?", and from time to time communicate to partners what they became aware of as a result.

The communication bit worried me. As a newcomer to the growth field, I had no experience of counselling or therapy (despite being a psychologist), and I was unused to sharing my thoughts and feelings with complete strangers. I did like the idea of contemplating who I am, however. At this point in my life I was literally anxious to know myself. Outwardly I presented a well-rehearsed "cool dude" persona. But inwardly I saw myself as a shy, nervous oaf, with a very dark shadow. I'd been in an identity crisis since my teens, and now, approaching my thirtieth birthday, I reckoned it was time I stopped playing games and "found my true self"—if I had such a thing. I reckoned I'd probably benefit by diving in at the deep end and doing some really heavy work on myself. I had nothing to lose ...

I found myself, like everybody else, going through all manner of stuff during the three days—anxiety, amusement, boredom, frustration, happiness, grief. On the first day I was mostly affected by the orderliness of the situation—the lack of everyday distractions, like TV. It's amazing how interesting wallpaper can seem once the inward search begins to bite! Without the support of the group structure as a constant reminder, I know I wouldn't have had the will-power to stay with the technique. Some people soon wanted to leave, but the master assured us that resistances will come and go all the time. I just resolved to see it through give it my best shot.

On the second day it was more like taking the lid off my unconscious. I had all sorts of spontaneous memories, feelings, images, fantasies, as did others in the group. Seeing others taking risks to say what was really going on for them was, for me, incredibly inspiring, and I began to feel very close to several in the group, despite (or because of?) the formalities. That second day was the noisiest—there was screaming, shouting, hysterical laughter, yet all the time we remained sitting respectfully in our neat rows!

On the third day there was a calmer, more `studious' atmosphere. A warm trust had developed within the group, and almost everyone was by now well into the process. ...

I kept `seeing' my gravestone, as if my unconscious was getting me to accept that one day I'm going to die, something which I found terrifying. The last thing I wanted to do was to confront that fear—so here it was, bang on cue. I started shaking and panting as I communicated it to my partner, but I finally got it out. Then it was time for lunch, and the whole thing was behind me.

It was during lunch that I had the most amazing experience of my life. There came a timeless moment at which I just knew who I was. It was as if I had always known it, but had simply forgotten. It was so obvious, yet so marvelous! I started laughing uncontrollably, until a passing monitor got me to communicate it to her. As I did so, I understood why communication is the key to this process. In communicating, that moment of knowing returned, leaving me so awestruck and humbled by its reality that my rational mind could never deny the experience.

Part of what I got is that, ultimately, who I am is integral to the very fabric of reaity. I had read of people having spontaneous and totally unexpected mystical experiences. One moment they are out walking the dog, the next moment they are in blissful union with ... well, whatever. Then moments later they are back to normal, only now their lives have been changed for good. I knew I had just experienced something of this sort. Despite all my efforts I hadn't made it happen, it had just come out of the blue, like an act of grace. I later learned that `direct experiences of Truth' usually happen just like this. I also learned that about a third of the group had had direct experiences of varying intensities, some more clear than others, and that this is par for the course on Enlightenment Intensives.

Since that first one, I have taken numerous more Enlightenment Intensives. As a result of being blessed with more and more encounters with truth, my initial scepticism has given way to a developing spirituality and self-knowledge grounded in absolute reality.

BARRY